Hey, Brennan.
Mom, I'm watching the thing with the lady.
I'm leaving. Okay? I'll be home around 11.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye, Brennan.
Let's slowly get those hips up. Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.
Dale.
Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.
- You leave me money for pizza, Dad? - Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.
Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.
- But what if I want wings? - You don't need wings.
That's not enough, Dad!
The RTI cochlear implant...
...is the state-of-the-art implantable hearing device...
...due to its input processing of sound via the speech processor.
But the most exciting new development...
...is the external processor...
...which fits directly over the ear...
...which eliminates the need to put your face between those breasts.
I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost. And this never happens to me.
My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins.
Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.
I am Nancy Huff. I know how to make tandoori chicken...
...I contribute to NPR every single year...
...and I love the movies of Rob Reiner.
Pilates changed my life.
I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world.
- I love the sea! - And I drive a Mercedes...
...and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home.
- What did you just say? - I knew I shouldn't have told you that.
I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan...
...who still lives at home with me.
I would like to thank all of you...
...for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day.
And I would like to raise my glass.
Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms.
- Get a room, Dad. - Oh, for chri... Dale!
Well, as you all know, my youngest son, Derek, couldn't be here...
...because of an important fishing trip.
But my other son, Brennan, was going to be moving into his own place...
...but he was recently let go from his job at PetSmart...
...so he is gonna be living with us.
I wasn't fired from my job, I was laid off!
But you wouldn't know the difference.
I didn't want salmon! I said it four times.
This wedding is horseshit.
Somebody's awfully quiet back there.
I'm not gonna call him Dad.
Brennan, you're 39 years old.
I would not expect you to call him Dad.
Well, I'm not going to, ever. Even if there's a fire.
Robert better not get in my face...
...because I'll drop that motherfucker.
Jesus, Brennan.
I'm just saying, I think you gotta think about your options.
I know that you are technically married now...
...but that does not mean that they have to live here.
Dale, I think it's time for a change for both of us.
Dad, we're men, okay?
That means a few things.
We like to shit with the door open. We talk about pussy.
We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky.
That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.
We literally have never done any of those things.
Where did he go to medical school?
He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins.
- Is that good enough for you? - No, it's not.
Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools.
I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.
It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering...
...and they were blazing that shit up every day.
All right, here's a scenario for you, Dad.
Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower...
...and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good.
I've got a luscious V of hair...
...going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro.
And she takes one look at me, and she goes:
"Oh, my God.
I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf."
- And she grabs me by the wiener. - Shut the fuck up!
- Come on, Brennan. - I'm fine here.
- There you are. - Hi.
Oh, you look so cute in your moving clothes.
- How was it? - It was easy.
The movers did everything.
Where's Brennan?
He's still in the car.
It was kind of a rough drive.
Hey, Robert, what's all the commotion?
- Hey, Don. - Is that your wife, Nancy?
- Right here, Don. - Can I come over this afternoon...
...and touch your face? - Sure.
Thanks. Good luck, guys.
We'll see you, Don.
Let's go, Cinnamon. Heel, Cinnamon.
Heel! Cinnamon!
Cinnamon!
Hi, Dale.
Hey, Nancy. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?
- Sure. - No.
Dale just ate. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with.
- I see. - I'm hungry.
Look in your right hand.
- I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't. - No, no.
No, no. He's fine.
Hey.
I'm Brennan.
I'm Dale.
But you have to call me Dragon.
You have to call me Nighthawk.
Brennan.
Please don't do that.
Now, that's enough ketchup. Come on. Dale.
- I like it. - That's enough.
Dale, I don't know if you...
You might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...
For me.
- that Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets.
It's my fancy sauce.
Well, when Brennan finishes, I'll give you some of this, and it's...
It's ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so...
It's so good.
- I want some fancy sauce. - Yeah.
- I'm not done using it. - Looks good.
- Can I have fancy sauce? - Of course. Of course.
- I'm using it right now. - Okay.
- So let's just let him try some. - You wanna try it, Dale?
Yeah, I really would like some.
Just one last spoonful.
Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan.
- So here you go. - Thanks.
It's ketchup and mayonnaise.
- I don't like it. It smells weird. - Okay.
- I'll try some. - You want some?
- Sure. Absolutely. - Okay.
You don't mind, do you, Brennan? No. Okay.
- Brennan... - I'm not comfortable...
It's okay. It's probably not good on fish anyway.
My dad's king of the castle, so if he wants fancy sauce, he should...
- No, it's all right, Dale. - He can make his own batch.
So you know what?
Today, when you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really...
...into kung fu, and I was telling him that you're really into kung fu as well.
I have a green belt.
Read it and weep.
I don't believe in belts.
There should be no ranking system for toughness.
But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.
That's not true, Dale. Don't be ridiculous.
So, Dale, what have you been working on recently?
Well...
...I manage a baseball team.
- Little League? - Fantasy league.
Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Why don't you stop being so confrontational, Dale?
I'm not the one staring at me.
So, Brennan, how about you?
I know you used to work at PetSmart.
- That's right, Mr. Doback. - Call me Robert.
- That's right, Robin. - Robert.
Robin.
Actually, Brennan is a really talented person.
He's a very gifted singer.
- I'm really, really good. - How good?
I've been called the songbird of my generation...
...by people who've heard me.
That good.
The only trick is is that Brennan's very...
...particular about who he sings in front of, so...
I'm his mom, for example, I've only heard him sing twice.
That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too.
In fact, I'll sing right now.
If you wanna get down On these hairy balls
- Hey! - Why don't you jump right in?
It's a crotch party right up in here
- Stop it! - Why don't you lick on this big joint?
Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!
That's cute.
I remember when I had my first beer.
That's so funny, the last time I heard that...
...I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
Stop right now. All right? Let's just back off.
All right. Brennan, it's okay. It's okay.
Hey, hey.
- Great, Dale. - He said a mean thing first.
All right, just... Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.
Okay, sleeping arrangements. It's gonna be different...
...but because Dale refuses to give up his office drum set...
...that means that, Brennan, you and Dale are gonna have to share a room.
- But it's just temporary. - Mom, we didn't talk about this.
Well, it's gonna be an exciting adventure.
You wanna show him the room, Dale? Show him where he can put his stuff?
- That's nice, thank you. - Good night, Nancy.
Hey, listen, I like to have a lot of fresh fruit around...
...and chocolate chips in my pancakes. Okay?
- Write it so you don't forget. - Show him the room.
She's Mom now, so...
- Good night, Mom. - Good night, Brennan.
- Good night, Mr. Doback. - Good night, Brennan.
So just a few basic rules about the house.
If there's any foods that you like...
...I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out.
By me.
House was built in 1825 by General Custer.
I wanna show you this room.
Hold up.
- You see this room? - Yeah.
Okay, here's the deal.
This is my office and my beat laboratory.
Okay?
And this is the one rule of the house:
Don't ever, ever, ever...
...touch my drum set.
- You understand? - Don't go in there and...
- No touching! - All right!
There. I was at about six there.
You don't wanna see me go to 10.
Get your shit. We're going to my room.
Honey?
I just found a chain of islands that we can sail to after New Zealand.
That's wonderful.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you...
Why is it that Dale never left?
Well, Dale has always coasted off my accomplishments.
I mean, he left college his junior year...
...because he said he wanted to join the family business.
- But you're a medical doctor. - Believe me, I've told him that.
But he just always says, "It's all about who you know."
I don't know where he got this sense of entitlement.
Maybe it was his mother passing. What about Brennan?
From what you've told me...
...his younger brother Derek's been quite successful.
Well, certainly when his father and I split, that was difficult for him.
And this one time, when Brennan was 17 and Derek was 14...
...and Brennan decided to enter a talent show.
He sang a song from an old pirate musical.
But Derek got his football buddies to replace the choir and sing:
"Brennan has a mangina."
Brennan has a mangina Brennan has a mangina
Finally, the audience and even some of the nastier parents started singing:
"Brennan has a mangina."
And I have to admit, for a little while, I sort of joined in as well.
From that day on, Brennan never sang again.
Derek went on to win the contest by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."
- Oh, that's a great song. - It is.
- Hey, you awake? - Yeah.
I just want you to know I hate you. So does my dad.
Well, that's fine.
Because guess what.
I hate you too.
And this house sucks ass.
Well, the only reason you're living here...
...is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot...
...and maybe we should just both bang her.
And we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
- Who's the retard? - You.
- Hey, y'all don't say that. - Shut up.
You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
Just shut up.
You and your mom are hillbillies.
- This is a house of learned doctors. - You're not a doctor.
You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- I'm a curly-headed fuck? - Yeah.
You better not go to sleep.
As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face.
I hope you stay still when you sleep...
...because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.
I'm gonna take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap...
...and beat the shit out of you.
I want you out of my fucking house.
No way, kemosabe.
This is my house now.
How do you like The Gilded Lady?
I wish we could retire right now.
Won't be long.
Oh, God! It's cold!
Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!
Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!
- obviously you guys are hot. You know?
Just revealed her cover. I was like, "Wow, this is hot."
A little girl-on-girl. A little heaven, a little hell.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Why you so sweaty? - I was watching Cops.
Not supposed to have your feet on the couch.
Hey, man.
Did you touch my drum set?
- Nope. - It's just weird...
...because seems like someone definitely touched my drum set.
Yeah, that is weird. Because I didn't touch them.
- Hey! Did you touch my drum set? - Hey, knock it off!
I know you touched my drumstick, because the left one has a chip in it.
You fucking crazy, man?
You sound insane, do you realize that? You should be medicated.
Fuck you, Brennan. I know you touched my drum set.
I wanna hear that dirty mouth admit it.
You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.
You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it!
I don't swear to shit!
That's because you fucking touched my drum set...
...because I know Cops doesn't start till 4.
- Where are you going? - I'm going upstairs.
Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?
Don't you do that. I am warning you right now:
If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!
If you even go in the room, I will go ape-shit, you hear me?
Don't wanna miss a spot.
John Bonham's playing "Moby Dick" for real!
I swear to God. I swear to God! No!
I warned you.
There's one rule in the house, and you broke it!
I didn't touch your damn drum set!
I'm pre-diabetic!
You fucking fucker! I'm gonna rub my balls on your mom's face!
Come back here!
I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!
Your drum set's a whore!
I teabagged your fucking drum set!
Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you fucker!
I'll kill you!
I think it's gonna go generic soon, okay?
- Line three. - Oh, thanks, Miles.
Yeah.
Jules? Wait, what's wrong?
- Back! - You touched my drum set, you fucker!
Stop it! Stop it!
- Rape! Rape! Rape! - Stop it! Stop! Stop.
- Stay out of this, Nancy! - Stop it, you guys.
- Oh, my God, you're hurting him! - No, Nancy!
Cinnamon! Stop it!
My mom is being eaten by a dog, there's nothing I can do!
- No, a story has a... - Excuse me.
Dr. Doback, the phone's for you. I think it's urgent.
Hello?
Robert, they're like animals! I can't stop them!
Stop screaming. Please. I'm on my way.
There seems to be some savage fight going on...
...between my son and stepson, so l...
Family issues, huh?
I don't believe in talking about people's personal lives...
...behind their back.
You know nobody likes you, right?
Rape! Rape! Rape!
What's going on?
Robert! They won't... They won't...
- Stop it! Stop it! - Dale, what...?
- Stay out of it, Dad! - Stop it!
What the fucking fuck?
Someone got some air. Snap.
- I still hate you. - Still hate you.
Such power. It's raw power.
What are you doing? It's Shark Week.
Okay, here's the deal:
Number one, you will fix the fucking drywall now.
Number two, you have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses.
I will arrange interviews for Monday, and you will go!
Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.
I'm not buying that crap anymore.
Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon.
You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.
Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second.
He had the craziest look in his eyes.
And at one point he said, "Let's get it on."
That was about the fighting. I'm so not a raper.
I didn't touch your drum set, okay?
I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
All right, that's it! That's it!
You two guys leave me no choice.
No television for a week.
- What?! - What?!
- We are so serious, guys. - You're fucking high!
Are you out of your mind?
This goes in Robert's wall safe and it's gonna stay there.
- No! - Okay.
- This house is a fucking prison! - On planet Bullshit!
In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.
- Hey. - You can't catch me.
I gotcha.
Aunt Carol's on fire!
I don't know where you learned it.
- Well, there's lots more where that... - My God.
- Oh, no. What happened? - What the...?
Oh, my God.
Maybe Dale left the back door open and raccoons got in.
Nancy? Is this your purse in the freezer?
Yes. It's Brennan.
He sleepwalks and he always puts my purse in the freezer.
Dale sleepwalks too.
- Are you kidding me? - I'm not. Look in the oven.
- What's in the...? Couch pillows? - Couch pillows.
Yeah, Dale.
Come on.
- It's okay. - It's really hard.
It's gonna be fine.
They're gonna get jobs, they'll be gone in a month. A month.
Guys.
- Guys. Guys! - I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.
The clown has no penis.
What kind of dreams are you guys having?
Hey, it's 12:30.
Brennan, your brother's coming today, so get up.
- Today? - Yep.
- Shit. - What's your problem?
My little brother's even a bigger asshole than you are.
All right, let's really nail it this time. Here we go.
A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
All right, Tommy, you're the oldest. I'm counting on you. Come on.
Nice vibrato, buddy. All right, all right, Alice, let's go.
Flat. It's so flat.
I can't even... You don't even look good while you're singing.
The worst thing I've ever heard.
This is $ 1200 a week for voice lessons, and this is what I get?
Okay, I'm gonna save it with this solo.
I'm Derek
And I can sing high like this
And I can sing high
Jesus!
We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding.
- But we completely understand. - Yeah.
You were busy fishing with Mark Cuban.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, not just the Cubes...
...but we had Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.
It was insane. I mean, it was almost too much.
My God, that's impressive.
Yeah, we were down in the Gulf, fishing bonito.
Robert, have you ever been down to the Gulf on the bonito run?
Always wanted to. I hear it's amazing.
- It is. It's gorgeous. - Are bonito fish big?
What?
Don't interrupt when he's telling a story.
- It's fine, Robert. - I was asking about the story.
- What's this guy's deal? - I don't know, son. It's okay.
Well, Dale, they are what's called a trophy fish.
So, yeah, they're pretty big.
I'm sorry.
Anyway...
Oh, God, I'm sorry, I forget where my story was going.
Damn it, Dale.
- No... - Robert.
- What? - What? I asked him.
No, he can join in, Robert. It's really okay.
Well, I asked him twice not to interrupt.
Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining the story. And possibly the evening.
It's totally fine. I have a lot more stories.
- Derek, that you do. That you do. - Yeah.
- Guilty as charged with the stories. - Oh, God, you're impressive.
Come on. I love talking to you.
From across the room, I feel like we have a thing.
You and me, man. You're my new stepdad. You're unbelievable.
- I never heard that laugh before. - Dad, why are you acting so weird?
Oh, hey, by the way, guys, where's my bro, Brennan?
You're right about your brother. Total dick.
Told you.
You know what? I still hate you...
...but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
Yeah, I got them from the '70s, '80s and '90s.
It's like masturbating in a time machine.
Anyway, so I figure by the summer of 2010, we can probably set sail.
But I think about it every day of my life.
Let me ask you this, Bob, why wait two years?
- Well, I gotta make more money. - Okay, look.
I hear you, believe me.
But what if I were to tell you that I could sell this house...
...for 30 percent above market?
- That'd be great. Could you do it? - Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.
Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs.
I'd do it for four-fifths commish...
...because you know what really gets my dick hard?
Helping out my friends.
That'd be fantastic. That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.
- No, it would be kick-ass, bro. - Oh, man.
Right there.
What about Dale and Brennan?
Because they haven't even gotten jobs yet.
God, change the record.
Sweet!
Robert. Don't talk to me like that in front of my son.
Oh, come on. We're talking about our dream, the boat. Come on.
Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it all needs to be done in good time.
I'm just saying give it some thought, okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.
Holy shit, triplets.
It's true, three's company.
- It shows tons of bush. - Hey, hey, careful.
Careful with that. You're crinkling.
That's a collector's item. It's worth a lot of money.
What's up, faggots?
What's up, man? What, you're not gonna come down, say hi to me?
Hi, Derek.
Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking.
You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here.
What is your problem, man?
My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, Dale.
Actually, I have the opposite of a problem:
I made over 550 K last year. How much did you make?
- It's not about money. - No, it's not about money.
Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...
...and I made that much money last year.
I am the VP of the biggest...
...executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard.
Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004.
Check these out. See these? See these boys?
This is what I live with.
Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower.
You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys?
Sorry, not gonna happen.
Is there something you want?
I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.
I told her it'd count as her Christmas present, so...
No. I'm never gonna work for you.
Fine. I don't care.
The truth is I just smoked a J out in my car a few minutes ago...
...so feeling a little spacy.
Know what I'm say...? What's up with you, man?
What you looking at, kemosabe?
You...
You wanna punch me right now.
You wanna punch me right now, but you won't.
You wanna punch me too?
You guys both look like you might wanna hit me in the face.
You do, I can tell. Well, why don't you do it?
Why don't you punch me in the face?
Punch me in the fucking face!
- Oh, shit. - Oh, my shoulder!
That was awesome.
Mom! Mom!
Derek, know what's always good for shoulder pain?
- What? - If you lick my butthole.
Snap!
- Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby. - Sure.
Aside from that retard trying to punch me, it was a pretty good evening.
- It was our pleasure, son. - Why are you calling him that?
Oh, don't, don't.
Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock you recommended, Tommy.
Excuse me.
- Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife. - Hi.
Is it true you struck Derek in the face and he fell from the tree house?
Yeah. He asked me to.
Oh, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard.
I want you to know that tonight...
...I am gonna pleasure myself to the image of you doing that to Derek.
You know what I mean?
Masturbate.
I am.
Oh, Dale.
You are something.
You're something too.
I wanna roll you into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.
You could just live there. It's warm and it's cozy.
In your vagina?
I wanna walk around with you in there and just know that...
...whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch...
...that it's just your hair up my vagina.
Please, just do it for me.
What's happening?
Kiss me.
I know. I know. It's too much.
It's too much.
I hate my life, Dale.
Dale, I hate my life! I have nobody to talk to.
- Well, you seemed okay at the di... - Please.
Alice! Honey, come on!
Dane Cook, pay-per-view, 20 minutes. Let's go!
Coming, honey! I'm just talking to Dale.
This is so stupid.
Call me.
- I love you. - Okay.
- Hey. What'd she want? - What?
Nothing. Who's...? Who?
Alice.
We were just talking. Not... It was not about sex or anything.
I can't believe you hit Derek.
I know. Did you see the expression on his face?
- That was cool. - Listen.
I know that we started out as foe.
But after that courageous act...
...that you showed me against the one they call Derek...
...maybe someday we could become friends.
Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds...
...shooting flaming arrows across the Bridge of Hemdale.
I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.
Do you wanna see something cool that only three people have seen?
Okay, open your eyes.
See that black smudge right there on the blade?
- Yeah. - Look at it closely.
- Pretty recognizable signature. - No.
Randy Jackson from American Idol.
Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial-arts weapon?
I bumped into him and all I had was this sword...
...and you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph.
I would've done the exact same thing.
Now, do you wanna see something really cool?
- Of course. - Turn off the lights.
Industrial-strength night-vision goggles.
Holy Santa Claus shit.
Can you imagine if we had these when we were 12?
Even better. We got them when we're 40.
You know what's amazing? They're not that noticeable on your face.
- Right? - Yeah.
I can't believe I've been living here for two weeks...
...and I'm walking around this place...
...thinking I've got a huge doucher for a stepbrother.
Secretly, you're not a doucher.
Let's play a game, all right?
On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur.
Don't even think about it, just name it. Ready? One, two, three.
- Velociraptor. - Velociraptor.
Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.
- Good Housekeeping. - Good Housekeeping.
If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?
- John Stamos. - John Stamos.
- What? - Did we just become best friends?
Yep.
Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?
Yup!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
I think they're starting to like each other.
I got a really bad feeling about this.
- Sword fight! - I know.
Sword fight!
- Exactly the same! - I know! That's so weird.
Now you're in trouble.
- Come on! - No!
They're betting against you, but you can do it!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Is this a bad time?
What the hell's going on?
Ma, Mr. Doback, okay, Dale and I were just...
Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.
Sorry. Okay.
Mom, Doback...
...we think it would be very prudent...
- Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? - Yes.
Why are you guys so sweaty?
We've already figured out how. The beds match up perfectly.
It would give us so much extra space in our room to do activities.
Please say yes.
You don't need our permission to build bunk beds.
You're adults. You can do what you want.
So?
I'm not making myself clear.
I don't give a fuck.
Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow.
I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds.
- So? - So?
- We can? No? - Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.
- I knew it. - Okay. You are not gonna regret this.
We'll get so much more activities done.
This is the funnest night ever!
This is so scary.
- How you doing over there? - Really good.
Okay.
Does your son know anything about carpentry?
No, not a th... Did I hear a drill?
- Dale! Dale, no power tools! - Power tools.
- What? - No power tools!
- No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth. - That is not your toothbrush.
Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.
- We did it. - We did it!
It looks amazing!
Look at that! That looks like what you'd buy from a store!
- Should've been a bunk bed all along. - Look at this space.
- We could do aerobics in here. - So many activities!
- Do step class. - It's making my head spin...
...how many activities we can do. - Play Army men.
- Yeah. - Come on.
Hey, I never asked you. Do you like guacamole?
Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!
Brennan! Brennan!
Dad. Nancy. It's bad.
It's so bad. There's blood everywhere.
The bunk beds were a terrible idea. Why'd you let us do that?
It's so bad!
How would you describe that?
- It's not so bad. - Right. See?
Put your beds back.
Rumpus time is over.
You got a big day tomorrow. You need your eight hours.
And although she was 88 years old, she never stopped believing.
It's 8:20 in the a.m.
Coming up next, a recent study by the American Council...
Look at her. She's hot.
Okay, guys, this is it. Good luck. Don't be late.
Dad, I need to borrow some clothes for the interview...
...since I don't have any fancy clothes.
You go in my closet, take whatever you need. You guys gotta look sharp.
This is the most important day of our lives.
- Okay. - No pressure, no pressure.
- All right? Relax. - Okay.
I gotta go. I gotta go.
This is your day. Remember that. You own it.
- This is your one day! - All right.
Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener is ready for your interview.
Actually, we'll be interviewing as a team.
We're here to fuck shit up.
Move it!
Hey!
Well, Brennan, you certainly have had a lot of jobs.
I'm a bit of a spark plug.
And, Human Resources lady, when I think...
- You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam. - I'm sorry.
- Well, Pan... - No, my name is Pam.
- Are you saying Pan or Pam? - I'm saying Pam.
Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentleman sitting behind you?
Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale. I'm Brennan's stepbrother...
...and I think I might be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.
- Yeah, that'd be great. - Pam.
- Pan. - Pam.
- Pand. There's a D on the end. - With an M.
- There's no D. It's Pam. - It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.
- N-N. There's two N's. - Two M's. That was the confusion.
No, there's just one M.
What do you say we interview you?
All right. Yes, that's a sometimes-useful exercise.
Please put your hand down.
Go ahead.
How much money do you make a year before taxes?
Okay, I'm actually not comfortable answering that.
- Come on! - We're doing the interview, not you.
Here's a shot out of a cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.
You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one. Go!
I think we're done here. Thank you.
Mr. Huff, under your references, you listed Dale Doback...
...which I know is this gentleman, but you also listed...
..."Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior." - Yeah.
Yeah, we are looking for people we can contact.
We wanna tell you the stuff we're not good at.
- Our weaknesses. - So we're clear up front.
- Okay. - We're not generally comfortable...
...in an office setting, I would say. - I get cooped up.
I won't go into an office that's ever been used before.
I am no good before 11 a.m.
I also get headaches from computers, so I can't be around them too long.
I take stuff.
I need someone to go up and down with me in the elevator.
I have a weakness for sweets.
Other weaknesses?
We're slow learners and we're not particularly good listeners.
- That'll be a huge problem. - We're also slow learners.
First of all, I needed someone to work...
Wait, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth.
I think we've had enough...
- Shush up for one second. - Shut your mouth.
- Wait, shut your mouth. - I'm sorry, what did you just say?
- You're just coming off stupid. - I'm coming off stupid?
You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms.
- Please leave this office, we're done. - Do we get any sort of souvenir?
Get out of my office!
I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day.
You guys seem like cool guys.
Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedos to the interview.
That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.
Underplaying the whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell.
So let's do this, you know? You guys are hired. You're in.
Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.
Great.
- Was that a fart? - I don't know.
I can taste it.
On my tongue.
Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.
Is that onion? Onion and... Onion and ketchup.
- It stinks. And this is a small room. - Shit.
Okay, now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.
God. We were so close.
So, what do we do for jobs? Is your dad really gonna kick us out?
Listen, don't worry about my dad.
Got him sewn up.
We've gotta start thinking bigger, though, Brennan.
Listen, what are you really good at?
Singing. I'm a world-class singer.
See? Right there, that's an amazing skill.
Now, what am I good at?
I can shred on the drums and I'm a marketing wiz.
Put all that together, what do you get?
- I don't know, a band? - No, that's been done before.
Even better: we are gonna start an international entertainment company.
The biggest and the best.
And we're gonna call it Prestige Worldwide.
That sounds so cool.
I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis.
Yeah. Yeah.
We're brothers. This is why we met.
- To form this alliance, right? - Right?
That's why our parents met, so this idea could happen.
- Okay, what do we do? - We get to work.
And we hit the beat laboratory right now. Let's go.
- What? - Wait.
What time is it?
- 4:30. - 4:30.
4:32.
- I can't go down Whitworth right now. - Okay.
We should go this way.
- What's up? - Chris Gardocki.
- What? - He gets in my face...
...and I just don't wanna deal with the hassle now.
- Are you this scared? - Can we please go the long way?
- Down Cutler? - Yeah.
But that's 45 minutes.
You're gonna shame me into doing this.
- You sound stupid. - You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.
Oh, man.
Oh, God, there they are.
Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?
- Let's make him lick dog shit. - Yeah.
Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.
Is that your boyfriend? Is that your butt buddy?
Look, Mr. Gardocki, just leave me alone, will you?
Shut your mouth, es�.
You guys just go back and have fun on your jungle gym, okay?
Does butt buddy have a name?
If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.
It's Brennan Huff.
If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit...
...l'm gonna plow into your nose with my fist.
- I'm not licking any white dog shit. - I'll lick the shit if you leave us alone.
Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay? They're kids.
- Brennan, it's just dog shit. - It's ridiculous!
- Hello, how are...? - Oh, God!
Leave him alone! Leave him alone!
Get them!
So maybe you don't go down that way anymore.
Maybe you go the long way home.
That's what we talked about. We'll take the long way home.
You know in that one scene in The Wizard of Oz...
...when the flying monkeys pull apart the Scarecrow?
That's what it was like.
- It's okay, it's okay. - I'm so sorry.
Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?
Robert was very upset, yes.
He knows that you interviewed as a team.
And he heard about the fart.
- Oh, he did? - Yeah.
You just couldn't hold it, or you...?
- No. I thought it was gonna be silent. - It was not silent.
Just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.
It got louder.
So listen, Bobby, I'll get those keys made tomorrow...
...and then we'll start setting up times. - Thank you.
- Hi, Mom. - Hi.
- Okay, bye. - Bye.
- Always nice to see you. - You too.
Hey, guys.
Looks like your free ride's over, huh?
Have fun living on the streets.
Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys. Bye, Mom.
- Bye. - See you, buddy.
What was he doing here?
We're putting the house on the market.
- Where are we moving? - Is the house haunted?
Nancy and I are retiring...
...and sailing around the world on my boat.
We are living the dream.
Well, what about us?
I'm sorry. Robert... We thought that...
...you should take responsibility for your own lives.
This is the exciting part:
We're going to put enough money in your accounts...
...for a security deposit on an apartment.
What's this all about?
More than just money, we're gonna get you another kind of support as well.
You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help.
- Guys, that's nonnegotiable. - Hold on. We're not going on the boat...
...Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?
- What the fuck happened? - Hey!
Look, I know this seems really, really sudden...
...and just sort of unfair and cruel and...
- But it's nonnegotiable. - But it's nonnegotiable.
I got a bellyful of white dog crap in me...
...and now you lay this shit on me?
You're adults. It's time you started acting like adults.
- Mom. - I'm not backing down, Brennan.
Don't even try.
I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you.
We do it because we love you.
Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: fuck you.
- Anything else? - No.
Bon voyage! Have a great time!
Hey, what's up, Derek?
Yeah.
- Know what? - Look what I got.
I'm sitting here thinking we finally got a family together here...
...and now it's about to be taken away because they think we're losers.
- Because they don't understand us? - Yeah.
They don't get that this lifestyle is a choice.
And all they think about is that stupid boat.
I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom.
As soon as she is of age, I'm putting her in a home.
We have got to get Prestige Worldwide going.
It's the thing that's gonna save this family.
I was thinking we should have a investor presentation...
...like on The Apprentice.
We gotta start with some capital somewhere.
Here's the thing, though:
If we're gonna start a huge multinational corporation...
...I have to hear you sing.
Can't you just trust that I'm a really, really good singer?
Just one song, so I know what your voice sounds like.
Yeah, yeah. I'll just do it.
No big deal. I'll just dive into it and just start singing.
Jesus, my heart is beating so fast right now.
Okay, just do it. Just do it.
Just...
You know, I don't know.
I didn't sing too loud, because I don't wanna wake up Robert and Nancy.
My throat's sore. I've had a sore throat for a month and a half.
And this is not an acoustic environment that's suitable...
...to request this from me.
You gotta know, I'm not just some guy.
Brennan, that is the voice of an angel.
Brennan, I can't even make eye contact with you right now.
Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
Why can't you do that in front of people?
Are you messing with me right now?
It's me, Dale.
You're good.
- I know. - This is gonna sound weird...
...but for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn.
I felt like I was hovering above my own body...
...watching myself sing.
Now, let's move on to other business.
First thing tomorrow, we gotta get cracking on this investor presentation.
And guess what else. This just came to me.
- We're making a music video. - Yeah!
What do we do about Derek and the house?
Don't worry about him.
Oh, it's a great "nabe."
Frank Gifford used to live down the block.
- The Giff? - Yeah, the Giff. Right down the block.
I'm getting a really good feeling about this.
I am so glad.
You get us that 10-year interest-only loan, we got a deal.
Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood!
- My name is Craig. - The neighbor is a Nazi?
You guys ever need fertilizer, I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons.
Hey, folks! How you doing? You're gonna love this neighborhood.
Every single house here recycles.
- Okay, we're done here. - Yeah, okay.
Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.
Dale, I don't know how much you know about therapy...
...but it usually starts by you telling me something about yourself.
I work at a college as a janitor...
...even though I'm smarter than most of the people there.
Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard...
...like half an equation, and I'll just figure it out.
- Is this Good Will Hunting? - No.
It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
Yeah. Anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...
So I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce.
Okay.
How old were you when they got divorced?
- Fifteen. - That's a hard age.
- Yes. Yeah. - Do you wanna talk...
...about some of those feelings? - I love you.
- Obviously, you don't know me. - I love you so much.
Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have...
...of comfortability with me.
It's more than comfortability.
- I mean, I fucking love you. - Okay. I th...
I'm just thinking about our life together.
I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.
My penis is tingling right now.
- That is so off-putting. - You're not feeling this?
In no way, shape or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you...
...in any way whatsoever.
You got a really dope front lawn here.
You and your homeboys can play on that.